Beauty in the Waiting

Written several years ago…

I did it.

After four years of grit, tears, and showing up anyway…I became a paramedic. I got a job at a fire department as a single role medic, which means I don’t have to be a fire fighter and climb tall ladders and carry heavy hoses and look hot in sweaty T-shirts.

I just do paramedic-y things. I carry a heavy jump bag and look hot in dry T-shirts. (haha)

Fire fighters and paramedics are always waiting. Waiting for the call to help. Fire fighters keep their turn out gear by the engine- ready to just step into, pull up, and run. Every time I walk by and see a pile of gear, I think how selfless and brave and beautiful that is. There is beauty in that waiting. A fire fighter, or medic, is at the station, spending at least 24 hours away from his family, missing holidays and bedtimes and birthdays and dance recitals and first steps, waiting to help a stranger on the worst day of their lives. That is brave and beautiful. To be willing to put your life in danger for the sake of a stranger, to miss out on so many personal and family milestones for the sake of helping others…that is brave and beautiful.

I have to keep reminding myself- now I’m one of them. I’m so humbled and honored to be one of them.

I wasn’t sure how I’d ever achieve this goal, although I knew I would. It has taken me four years and millions of tiny steps to get to where I am right now. It has taken me over 1500 days of getting up every morning, choosing to face my fears and overcome my inadequacies, trying to learn and move forward every single day, to make it to my goal. A lot of days I didn’t think I’d get here. It just seemed impossible. 

There were so many roadblocks. 

Some were logistical. 

Some were emotional. 

Some nearly broke me. 

Time away from my family for work and school.

Divorce.

Trying to wrap my brain around learning cardiac rhythms.

Being sexually harassed at a job.

Learning to live on my own for the first time in my life.

Trying to parent teenagers.

Being vulnerable.

Admitting when I didn’t know something.

Putting myself out there again and again and again... 

But I just took one thing at a time and kept moving slowly towards my goal. I didn’t care how long it took. I just kept moving. I can be stubborn that way, I guess. I didn’t know how the end goal would look, just that I wanted to be a paramedic and work 911 calls. 

The first night I laid in my bunk at the fire station, I couldn’t believe it was real. I had actually done it! I thought about all the people I’ve met over the past four years that walked with me for part, or all, of my path, and how truly grateful I am for all of them. 

My life has been forever changed by these people, most of whom I’m still lucky enough to call friends. I’ve had partners on the ambulance who taught me all the things they don’t teach you in books. Partners who believed in me even if I didn’t, and showed me that the world will love me for who I am. I have met badass nurses who taught me how to wear my eyelashes and sign up for dating apps. I’ve met fire fighters who have the craziest sense of humor I’ve ever been around, and when you need them for anything, they’re always there. There have been instructors and managers and coworkers and strangers and patients who have all touched my life, all keeping me focused on my goal. Once I even had an Uber driver who was a gift put in my path. All these beautiful souls, moving me ever forward, one tiny inch at a time. Until suddenly, here I am. Living my dream. In a bunk room at a fire station, waiting for the next call. 

Waiting.

There has been a lot of waiting. A lot of pain. A lot of unknown, which is always frightening. The day my heart wrapped around the idea of becoming a paramedic, many people in my life thought I was bananas. But I knew that day that this was what I was supposed to do, and I haven’t wavered, even once, in the four years since then. I’ve had to do some things that were uncharacteristically brave. And I didn’t even think twice! I’m as shocked as you are! Who am I? How did I do all this? It was because there was a deep knowing in my soul that I HAD to see this through, I HAD to be a paramedic. I trusted that gut feeling. 

If I trust my gut, I never make a decision I regret.

Any time you venture out into something new, it’s normal to feel fear and doubt. When life shifts to make room for something new, there is grief at losing the old, comfortable ways. New is scary, even when New is welcome. And whenever something is worthwhile, there is a period of waiting. You wait for a new baby. You wait to hear about a new job. You wait to see if a guy will respond to your text. You wait for the excitement in your kids’ eyes at Christmas.

That pile of fire fighter gear, left carefully waiting by the engine, is a love letter to the next stranger the fire fighter will help. And now I get to be part of that. We wait for the next call, any time, day or night. I am humbled and honored to be able to be in a position to help people, as best I can, to stay safe and healthy. 

There is beauty in waiting. 

The waiting prepares us for what comes next. And that pause can be beautiful, because in that pause, anything is possible.